When cancer appears, our identity as friends or family members can change – though becoming a carer or just in our relationships due to stress and worry. But what about when the person who has cancer seems to change – maybe so much that you hardly recognise them?
I already talked about loss of a role by which we define ourselves (through becoming a carer) here. This is obviously also an issue for those dealing with their own cancer – either through temporary leave or through having to give up a job or role. This can have an additional effect on someone as well as their feelings and fears over the illness. Of course a job is not our real identity, though it can seem so. Stephen Fry expressed it well in an interview in Radio Times magazine : “We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing – an actor, a writer – I am a person doing things – I write, I act – and I never know what I am going to do next.”
Loss of identity can also go to a deeper level. Think of how you might describe yourself were you to join a dating site, or on a job application. You could describe yourself as gregarious; fun-loving; sensitive; optimistic; focused; hard-working etc. But if you had cancer any of these could change, leaving you somewhat at sea as to who you are now.
If this happens to someone you care about, little wonder if their behaviour changes accordingly. It could leave you wondering what has happened to the relationship or the person you knew.
Here are a few points that might help if you find yourself in this situation:
- Change is natural; after all none of us like the same activities or use the same behaviours we did at the age of five (at least I hope not).
- The personality change might be temporary but any words you say in the heat of the moment cannot be unsaid, so try to respond rather than react.
- You might need a friend or chat room to unload to at times you feel extra frustrated.
- A changed relationship does not have to mean a worse relationship.
- The person needs to find out for themselves who the ‘new them’ might be. If you give them space to do this you may enjoy getting to know them too.
Excellent post! I talk about, and think about this subject a lot. The “new normals” we face in our journey as caregiver, and our beloved’s new normal as they take their journey through cancer. As always Anne, fantastic…Keep up the fight, we need you!
Thank you so much. My gf refusesto even see me at the moment because cancer and the change she us going through .. It’s so hard
My heart goes out to you Matt. Hope you can hang in there in case she opens up more in the future.
Thank you for you support,mens a lot me. Its really hard to hear her say she needs a break till chemo is over,but what can I do… I just wanted to be there for her and help but she doesnt want help. Its hard when she wont text, call or see me but I hang in there and tell her im not going anywhere and I will wait for her and I will never give up,
Sounds like you are doing everything you can Matt. Hope you have mates or family you can talk it over with. You are going through a tough time too. Sometimes people do just need to put all their energy into fighting, even though that is hurtful to those around them. So get whatever support you can for yourself while you wait it out.
Thank you for this post. It really helps. I’ve had a falling out with my best friend whom is dealing with cancer and lives overseas. It has been exhausting and heartbreaking trying to be there and not say the wrong thing ( this has happened to her family members) or even what I really think about some things she does. I find myself almost twisting the truth to keep her from panicking. After a misunderstanding I received a hurtful email basically saying that she has a really low opinion of me among other things. After getting a tattoo, which is out of character but understandable, it’s hard to know what is going on. Especially when I’m half a planet away. I reacted terribly and made it worse. We are now not speaking. After 20 years of friendship and support, I’m hurt and confused. I feel like I’ve lost my friend to the cancer.
It helps to know that I’m not alone.
You are certainly not alone Hazey. It is hard to stand on the sidelines. All you can do is offer your support, and look after yourself as best you can.